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Victorious Woman of the Month
JULY
2008
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT
First Prize Winner
2008 Victorious Woman Essay Contest
Telling My Son About the Divorce
Ive faced many difficult
moments in my life. But telling my son that I will be divorcing his
father was absolutely one of the worst. Thinking about breaking the news
filled me with dread. My son, after all, was innocent. He loved his
father and me. He didnt deserve this.
I was anxious for weeks.
When should I tell him? How? Should we tell him together? And what
should we say?
How do you tell your child
the life he has known is about to be changed forever?
How do you explain that
its not his fault?
How do you reassure him
that he will be safe and loved, even after the divorce?
My son was eleven at the
time -- still a child, yet old enough to feel the tension escalating in
our home. He heard the irritation when his father and I spoke the
arguments that flared up in the midst of routine conversations the
deafening silence when we were engulfed in our anger.
Not surprisingly, he began
to show signs of stress. Headaches. Tears. Acting out, revealing his
temper as he filled with rage about controlling a situation that was
certainly beyond his control!
My husband and I knew
better than to fight in front of our son. But as our unhappiness grew
over time, we lost touch with what we knew and gave in to what we felt.
It was a terrible mistake that I will always regret because the child I
loved more than anyone in the universe, was paying the price.
I wrote a list of what was
most important for me to tell my son about the divorce. I intuitively
knew this was vital information to get across. But I didnt know how to
say it. Or, how to cope with my sons inevitable tears.
One night at 4 a.m., I
remembered that my son always enjoyed looking through family photo
albums. He liked seeing his baby pictures and watching the changes as he
grew. The albums were like a story book of his life.
What if I prepared a photo
album for him that told the story of our family -- in pictures and words
-- spanning from before he was born up to the present, preparing him for
the new changes ahead?
The storybook concept
would give him something tangible to hold on to and read again and again
to help him grasp what was about to transpire. It would explain, in
language he could understand, why this was happening including the six
crucial points I knew I had to get across.
And, rather than
rehearsing an awkward conversation, the storybook would give me a
written script that was well thought through in advance.
When the book was
completed I showed it to my husband. The message wasnt judgmental or
accusatory. It focused on areas of mutual agreement. While he was angry
with me for initiating our divorce, he agreed the book was well done.
The night came when we sat
down with our son and I started reading. As I read about the changes in
our family -- the tension and sad times -- tears pooled up in his eyes.
At the end, he was crying and clinging to us both.
Together, as a family, we
talked cried, hugged, re-read passages and consoled one another. It was
tough to go through. But having the book to hold on to and re-read was
helpful for us all. We discussed the divorce many more times in the
following weeks and referred back to the book as a reminder that
everything will be okay.
The book also helped me
and my husband to focus on our son rather than judgments and
accusations. Life evolves. And beyond our differences and
disappointments, we were still his Mom and Dad -- and always will be. We
needed to treat each other with respect.
Its been more than a
decade since I created that storybook. I have since remarried and my son
has become a veterinarian. Although grown, he is still close to his
parents. When I mentioned sharing my storybook concept with other
parents facing divorce, he agreed it was a great idea. The divorce
storybook concept has paid off for us all. Its the crowning achievement
in my life.
Congratulations, Rosalind!
We never know what life has in store and it means so much when we
get help from someone who has walked the same path before us.
Thank you for making the way a little easier!
Rosalinds book, How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce?,
features fill-in-the-blank templates for parents to customize.
Her son wrote the introduction. You can read more about it at
www.HowDoITelltheKids.com
and
www.childcentereddivorce.com
Annmarie Kelly2008.
All Rights Reserved.
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